We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
