When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
