I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize