I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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