anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
