nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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