True but thats because hes a fetus.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
