I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
