I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My ass is underappreciated
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
