Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
