Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
