I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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