Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
