girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize