I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I smell stomach acid.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
