Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
