Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
