That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
