Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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