my phone needs a breathalizer
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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