on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You have to summon your inner elephant
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
