11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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