Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
