I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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