you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He? As in you personified your dick?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
