I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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