I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Boobs are out for the taking
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
