Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
