you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
