hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
