I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
