her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
