I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
