she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
