There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize