Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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