I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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