Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
