Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
