Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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