from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
