We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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