I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
OPIZZABONMYDICK
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
