totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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