i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
