How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
this is an emotional support booty call
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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