I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize