You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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