I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize