he thought i was a dude.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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