someone threw a dead crab at me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Your penis caused this!
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