Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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