We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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