yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
