She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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