i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
