i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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