i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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