No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
