Jerry, you need to find god
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
