Please, let me fuck your mom
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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