Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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