I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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