After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
