I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
