You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
