oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
