My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
