I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
