She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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