I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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