Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
