this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
