He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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